Me and Squidge Down by the Garage Fire

 I spent last week in Fredericksburg, Virginia visiting 

my family and the Wood family. We made some amazing new memories.

I drew one up on my flight home (with a little inspiration from reddit) 

yesterday literally using my tickets

and barf bags.

And I present to you...

Me and Squidge Down by the Garage Fire.

So Kelly came to visit us too, for a few days.

On her first night in town, Rachel and I took her out to the bars.

We looked like divas, as usual.

Guys were creeping hard.

At one point, I had to teach one dude a thing or two

about southern hospitality.

 

Um, no.

We got tired of boys, so we started entertaining ourselves

by bumping beer bottles.

The tiniest droplet of beer got on Rachel's skirt...

 

And that's when the shit hit the fan.

 We started bickering, and when Derek and his cousin Joseph came to pick us up, 

Kelly and I took our rage to the backseat while Rachel

forgot all about it and went to another bar.

 Joseph and Derek brought us to a house party, 

and Kelly and I were making a scene on the front porch.

The owner of the house tried to get us to shut up.

That was a mistake.

 I couldn't get Kelly to come in a have fun, and she ran away to stomp around

the backyard. So I went inside to cry for Derek to go calm her down.

 My man.

 He failed.

 

Just then, Rachel came to the party. She made me feel a lot better.

 She handed me this ugly 5lb white dog with a snaggle tooth.

 Then she took Kelly home.

 Inside, me and Squidge were just hangin, 

taking care of the owner of the house who was puking his

soul out onto the floor.

 Don't worry, I wore an apron.

 I made a few cups...no big deal.

  

Me n' The Squidge started exploring the party...you know, 

sipping other people's drinks when they weren't looking, 

taking pictures of ourselves on other people's cameras, 

opening random doors...

 The hallway outside the garage door was a little hazy, 

and when I opened it, white smoke billowed into the house.

Some idiot standing behind me had some constructive input

about the situation.

 I went to fetch the boys.

 And they handled it beautifully.

 And that's how me and Squidge saved everyone's lives that night.

Kinda...

But really though, 

that's how Derek and I got engaged.

 I wish.

Seriously though...

True story.

And for the record...while Super Derek and Fireman Chris
put the fire out in my drunken Squidge memory, 

It was our hero, Randy G who truly stepped up

and took action.

 Here's to you, Randy. It was great hanging with you.

Can't wait to see you again, sir.

Love, Court

Stories of Fasha: Texting Rage

My brother sent me this screenshot of a 

conversation he had with Dad.

Idiots

My brother and I do really

stupid stuff.

I made some chocolate milk in a water bottle one day...

I dumped enough Nesquik in there to make it match

the chocolateyness of the drink pictured on the product label.

I drank it up like nom nom nom, 

but due to Nesquik overdose, I couldn't finish it.

Two weeks later, Nick found the Nesquik water bottle

in my room....

 Grossest smell I've ever smelled.
I think a little bit of us died that day.

Another time, Nick and I were bored, so we started

YouTubing zits, pimples, cysts and oozing MRSA infections.

 After about an hour of increasingly sickening videos, 

we watched a girl slice open a cystic pimple on a fat guy's back,

then she popped it all over herself...

again, and again and again.

 We fled to the bathroom and fought each other at the doorway.

 Nick had to puke in the sink because I beat him to the toilet.

One time Nick and I were watching TV with the cats.

 I'm not sure what's wrong with us.

We never seem to learn.

To this day, you could hand us a BB gun and tell us 

to shoot a bee's nest down from a tree while

eating honey on toast and we'd do it.

Stupid idiots.