Stories of Fasha: The Apology

True story!

The Library Fart

 Finals are next week, so my roommates and I took a trip to study together at ISU's library.

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

We were looking forward to getting a lot of work done, 

so we headed to the 4th floor, which happens to be the Max Quiet zone.

Signs are posted all over the place on the 4th floor to remind dumb asses to shut up.

 So we found a table and unpacked our notebooks and laptops and began working.

The 4th floor was really crowded that night...

even Frat guys and Sorostitutes were getting their studying in.

I went off to find books I needed for my research paper.

That's when I realized that I was wearing the squeakiest flip flops known to mankind.

I also had a cold all week, so I was the doucher sniffling and snotting 

and blowing her nose all over the place the whole time we were there.

Bubby was being noisy, too. 

Her fingers were like little Bubby jackhammers on her keyboard, 

and she brought the noisiest water bottle ever.

 When you squeeze it and then set it down, 

it makes a high pitched squeal as it fills itself with air again.

My loogie noises and sniffling got my roommate, The Gagger, gagging big time.

So there we were, on the quietest floor of the library, being the loudest we could be.

We were getting nasty looks from other students trying to study.

My other roommate, The Chef...finally lost it.

 And when we all stopped making noise, 

Chef filled the silence with her own commotion.

 It took a second to realize what had just happened.

 Chef's library fart wasn't even that loud...

just the fact that there was no other noise to mask it 

made it reverberate off the walls of the silent floor.

 We just packed up and left after that.

Such a fail.

Stories of Fasha: Swim Like Seal

Little Rascal

Taco gets upset when he knows we're about to leave him alone all day...

So as a last-ditch effort to keep us around...he'll pee or poop on the floor.

He's so cute like that...

Taco Keeses

Stories of Fasha: Gone Fishin'

Fatman loves to fish.

He'll fart around with his tackle box Friday night after a long workweek...

And get up early Saturday morning and drive to a "spot" around Virginia in the crap pickup truck with Buddy Boy in the backseat. 

 The morning will start off relaxing...patient...calm...

 But around high noon, Dayd's bald head will be sunburned and he'll start to get pissed.

 Then the fish will start effing with his head.

They'll take the bait, but avoid the hook...every time.

 Eventually he'll use the cooler he brought (for the fish he'll never catch) as a chair and he'll use a piece of PVC pipe to hold his pole...

Crack open a beer and start talking to Buddy.

 Mean while across the lake, the Mexicans are building a fish mountain.

The Last Straw

 My 18th birthday was approaching...

and I contemplated the opportunities that the law now permitted me to seize.

I settled on the obvious.

So on my birthday, I drove to the local animal shelter in Fredericksburg, VA.

There were cages and cages full of stinky cuties.

One cat particularly caught my attention. 

He was sitting in the back of his cage in his own litter box.

He was covered in poop and he was super stinky. 

 He was perfect.

When I put my face to his cage, 

he made the strangest noises and 

pressed his face against the bars 

and stuck his little shit-covered paws out and reached for me.

I'LL NAME HIM "STIMPY"!

I took Stimpy home that same day and got him all set up in my room.

He had a bed, toys, food, water and CATNIP.

For the litter, I thought I'd try to train him to use the toilet.

It can be done, I swear.

I fixed a pan on litter underneath the toilet seat to train him.

 The idea is to get him used to using the litter pan in the toilet,

and then eventually take it out.

 Stippy loved his potty.

 But he missed every time. 

Stupid cat.

So I just set up a regular litter box in the corner of my room 

for the big dummy.

 But he just pooped all over the floor and sat in the clean litter. 

 One day I thought he was really getting the hang of it.

I found him in his box...front paws in the litter...back paws out of the box.

Strange...

 He pooped on my fucking wall.

On my WALL.

Poop.

On my wall.

That was the last straw.

Now Pimpy poops outside. 

Probably eats it.

Stupid cat.